Tag Archives: teacher

depression, Uncategorized

I lost my map!

Park City, Utah

Jan 7, 2019 was the day I officially started yoga again after a long winter break/holiday. I know that actually is a bit late to the whole “New Years Resolution” program. But I had zero resolutions I was clear on making…mostly because I was distracted trying to survive skiing for the first time (which is utterly terrifying). So through the hysteria of falling down a mountain every 5 feet trying not to die by veering out of control over the cliff, a resolution was not made- just a resolve to survive the next turn. Perhaps a metaphor eh?
Coming home to LA, albeit relieved, I was in a lull I had not experienced for sometime. My yoga clients are still traveling and my schedule has been hard to fill. I also have this new book out and suddenly I am not sure what I anticipated by having a book published? Wild success? No…perhaps eventually (sigh). I know better than that…but still, no real map on the next step of what that entails. Let me be more specific, no real budget.
No  budget, no clients, no income, no hope. I’ve sat in my apartment since last week wondering if I had some how become agoraphobic and a recluse? Suddenly noise seemed noisier and crowds more crowded. Does anyone else hear that high pitch ringing? I just wanted to stay home with myself. Avoiding yoga avoiding everyone.
I went on one job interview (that did not go well) and that some how sent me back to a level of hurt form being rejected that I had endured in the 11 years of LA.  I’m just kind of tired of beginning again. This time I’m trying to be a nanny! So many years of composing music, then teaching yoga, now writing a children’s book… I don’t know how to answer the question anymore when someone asks “What do you do?”  uh…
The deep dive into depression I go! But at least I am used to this swim. I stroke familiarly agains the tides and hold my breath for even longer. Silently praying (screaming) in my head “NO! NO! NO!”   I cannot be here! I cannot! I have fought too hard, developed too many skills! Yet to be this uncertain and this terrified for my future? Crippling anxiety takes hold, the worst thought ever arises- was this all a mistake?


None the less, I know when I am in this mindset, there’s one thing I’m avoiding most. Going to yoga. So today out of the depths of my despair and self pity I rose (late of course).  Just so I could yell at myself all day for being late…and made it to yoga. 
The class was fantastic. Just what I needed. My 5 pound…ok, 10 pound heavier Christmas body was strong, flexible and the fluidity was returning and…ah…sigh… my mind was calming. 

I had the realization that my mind was a crumpled ball of paper. How could I write any intention on it? At the end of practice though, it returned to a smooth white paper, ready for me to act upon it. A clear list of intentions of actions were ready to be written. I knew I had lost my map, but at least I found my way back to my mat. That’s all I can do for now. Uncrumple Kailand.

Why I love yoga

Beginner Obstacles and A Way Around Them

 

There are immediate obstacles when one begins yoga.  This causes many people to give up and quit. From physical discomfort to the lack of ability to focus it begins to hold up an uncomfortable mirror to our actual mental physical and spiritual shape.

Beginner obstacles and a way around them:

Chaotic mind: Focus on the breath, it immediately will drop you into the mind. Visualize your thoughts like a ping pong ball. Is it rapidly going back and forth and all around? Use your breath and slow it down mentally. Eventually it becomes a slow game of ping pong and one day, the ball will go completely still.  The mind chatter will be silent. Experiencing a silent mind is the holy grail of a yogic experience. And it is very possible!

Stiff body: Surrender in the warm up, re connect with yourself and be kind. No need to criticize yourself. Speak kindly and lovingly to your body, nuture it and stay present. Rememeber your body is in a constant state of change. There will be things you can do one day and not achieve the next. Go with the flow and meet yourself where you are.

Weak body: Yoga is a very different kind of physical demand on the body. For starters, sitting down at a computer or driving in a car or flying for long hours takes a toll on our posture and deep muscle strength. Know that over time your body will become stronger and stronger from the inside out. Go at your own pace and rest as many times as you need.

Inability to focus: Stay with the breathing and focus on the alignment of your body, listen to your teacher they will be very specific about what to move and where. When you really begin to listen they will guide you in and out of the pose and time will float on by.

Distracted in the practice due to others in the room: Eventually in yoga, you detach from your senses and are so immersed in your body and silent mind, no one exists in the room. It is easy to be intimidated or self conscious but focus on your breathing and your body and how you feel that day. That’s all that matters. Over time you will notice less and less and grow ever more confident in your own practice.

Entering yoga practice armed with the knowledge of these obstacles one can EASILY surpass them.  It’s knowing how to guide your mind through it effectively that will lead you immediately to a much more profound practice. The goal is to move beyond things in yoga that cause you pain and even things in yoga that cause you pleasure. It is about becoming the master of your “self” and remaining unattached to your mental and emotional fluctuations. Invite a sense of playfulness and joy into the practice, it does  not have to be serious work!