Kirtan: Kirtana practice involves chanting hymns or mantras to the accompaniment of instruments such as the harmonium, tablas, the two-headed mrdanga and hand cymbals (karat alas).

One night she attends a Kirtan.

She holds onto her warm tea, in a clear glass jar with a soft white handkerchief delicately  wrapped around it.

She lays out a small wool rug and a beautiful cushion. And takes off her chunky black cable knit sweater.

Her  black mineral ring sparkles in the candlelight.

She sits by the door and waits for the the band to play.  She makes eye contact with the sitar player and the harmonium player. He is the lead and sings like an angel. However she still prefers the sitars player voice.

She opens her lips and begins to sing softly to herself.  Singing to meditate. To release the emotion of the worlds troubles.  Of her troubles. Tears gently stream down her face.

She keeps her eyes closed as to not flaunt this rare state of expression.

Songs change and she feels more uplifted, she begins to rise up off the floor. Allowing the drums and voices in the room to move her body.

When the women are asked to sing, their voices are so pure- she joins them.

Feeling a deeply repressed feminine energy awaken.

She can’t help but feel utterly moved when the men sing back, so strong their voices move through every fiber of her being.

She is nostalgic for such an ancient ritual in a modern world.

Although trying to go un noticed, she is noticed. For the healthy glow of her hair and skin, the physical health of her body and the look of ease on her face.

Secretly… her favorite part came at the end, holding her neighbors hands.  Sitting next to each other singing one last final AUM together.  Feeling the strength in her hands leave her and reassure the others.

She slips away in the night making no more sound. Only filled with song.

I used to be so depressed.  I know, judging my photos you would never believe it! Or, you don’t even care because based on my photos what on earth does a girl like me get depressed about? I live in La, it’s in the water.

No but seriously, it was dark, vast and endless. I would close my eyes and black out, feeling title waves crash down on me to the point where, it’s not that I couldn’t breathe it’s just that I didn’t want too. It always came and always lingers in the dark edges of my psyche.  Waiting for me to abandon myself and it to resume control.  I am a musician and the depression would be hand in hand with highs and lows.  I always could go so high into a thought and into a song or musical moment… but what goes up must come down.  I also act and model and those, were like taking shots of rejection. Thank you casting director may I have another door slam in my face? Thank you modeling agency may I have another comment about how I am not tall enough, thin enough or “there’s no place for you in high fashion” or better yet…”No.”

Oh ok, cool, I’ll just go home and write a song about how shitty this city is (<- click the link to hear).  No worries, brush this all off my shoulders, wake up a new day, with a new attitude. Except, I couldn’t wake up. I couldn’t get out of bed. When I first moved to LA I layed in bed until night time or as close to the night as possible so I could go to sleep and make it all go away again. I thought sticking to music, being the master of my domain was a safer avenue. I could build my own studio, I could teach myself to produce music, I wouldn’t need anyones praise or critique I could just go off with my mind and play and sing and write and create and I did. And after I wrote albums of songs alone, I would go drive hours to  a studio in the middle of nowhere at all awful hours of the night and make the final recordings.  I would wake up and work in a retail job for minimum wage and completely frizz out over the fact I decided to leave college and pursue something I thought I could make happen no matter what the world stacked against me. But slowly my world started to crumble. Black out. Sob. Fantasize about death. Wanting to die. Black. A pile of bricks stacked on my chest. Writing happy songs, singing my soul to hope. Kept singing hopeful, kept dreaming brightly. Black out. Fall out. Fall down. Crushed. Bad people, bad business. Bad luck. Black. Blackness. It was so heavy. It was so terrible. Because everything about it betrayed all the gifts I was granted. If blessings could be counted, I’m a billionaire. I’m really good at writing music, I am a really good artist. But every path to pursuing is extraordinarily difficult.  I didn’t realize this until later, but similar to women who develop post partum depression, I too developed depression after creating. Especially albums. Holy moly, the end of an album you don’t want to know me in a month.  A complete psychological break down of doubt comes over me beyond comprehension. Crippling me.  Then depression. Then horrible cancer like doubt.  Eating away at every moment of truth I was ever granted in seeing and writing and creating.

Ok ok, now the yoga bit where I tell you it saved me and cured me and it is a wonderful thing.

Well…yes. But let me explain why.

On a physical level, the body holds stress and yes through a practice one opens the body and alleviates it.

On a psychological level, the body opening up allows the mind to do the same and start to regulate it’s thinking patterns so one is less reactive to the world around it and more of a “peaceful observer” if you will..not really affected or reactive.

On a spiritual level, there is something called a “Kundilini Experience.”

Kundalini

So what I suffered from was something called Kundalini Syndrome. And it all made so much sense! I had intense spiritual experiences through music (see I kind of skipped the ladder of yoga) and went straight to euphoric heavenly states. I mean really beautiful out of the realm, heavenly blissful extraordinary visions. From those visions I would write music.  But what happens is, when you go that high in meditation, one must be guided safely back to the ground.  And since no body ever knew where the heck I was going, I would just plummet out of the euphoric state. No guide was there to show me the way back. It would send my entire nervous system into a shock.  Handling a reality, that I spiritually knew wasn’t real.  Feeling like a failure for not belonging in a  world that wasn’t the world I even wanted to belong too.

Yoga, brilliantly provided me a step ladder, from the ground, up to heavenly thoughts and gently back down again.

Do I still go high to low? Sure, I am not a yoga master.  Does it go from bliss to suicide? No, the spectrum no longer goes that vast and severe. I just go to bliss, and back to earth to handle… bills and other human tasks.

I learned in my meditation, that sadness does not have to become depression. I can be sad over something and not become depressed. It was, the holy grail of relization to my delicate beautiful mind.

I think this is why, I like to teach yoga to artists.  I know where they go. I know how to take them there physically, mentally spiritually and I also know, how to bring them here into the present moment. Into a world that most artist use drugs or anything else to deny them that. And once you become strong in the present moment, you become a conquerer of your dream. It’s such an exciting state to be in new  possibilities at every turn.

I no longer black out, I am able to handle any and many jobs. I also teach yoga to whomever I can whenever I can. I take yoga every day to help regulate my mind and keep me in state of “wellness.” When I am here in that state I am the most creative and productive and most importantly happy. So happy. I see how beautiful every moment of life is. And never take for granted the breath that I used to wish away.

I think today, was my first encounter with a Saint.  Her eyes had the light of a thousand stars, her presence was so peaceful. Her name, is Lisa Walford.

Today I had the privilege of learning from her.  She taught me and my classmates Yoga for chronic illness.  After hours of deeply restful poses and profound words of wisdom, I emerged renewed.  Open. Vulnerable. Healed.  I looked at my reflection in the mirror when I got home and I noticed I looked “restored.” As if I had slept a thousand nights underneath a glimmering ocean of starlight.  As if I had awakened into myself.  Finally appearing through all the harsh realities that age us.  Her touch was as light as feather.  She adjusted my poses many times and instantly I clicked into bliss. I will never forget her words, and I will never forget her lesson which ended with this final prayer:

“May my heart grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”

 -Lisa Walford:

Her resounding message over all, was care for yourself, care for others.  I am almost speechless about the experience but wanted to write down what little I could, although it hardly does her justice.

She is the definition of a Spiritual “It” Girl!

Some of us, are disciplined. Some of us, are not. I always walk a very fine line between the two. I do yoga a lot! I teach a lot, I study it a lot,  I certainly talk about it a lot…and I try to practice a lot. Usually I make it to the mat 2 -3 times a week for my own practice.  I really really try. My students,  who initially hired me for one private lessons a week, are now up  to 2-3 times a week. They have begun to see that their yoga practice is not just a one time thing. As much as we would love it to be.

Oh how I wish the zen like state I achieved, the mental clarity, the abundance of energy I get (from just one practice) would be enough to last me a life time! But one must consistently dive into the yoga river.  We are jagged rocks in need of smoothing by the rapid and pure yoga water. It is something we must dive into as often as possible, constantly cleansing and purifying our minds and bodies.  Making our thoughts and bodies as smooth as the stones at the bottom of a river bed.

Each day is a new day to check in, and no practice is ever the same.  I would love to tell you “try it once and enjoy the benefits.”  I would LOVE to bottle up in a pill the wonderful effects this practice has, but it is a life long practice for you now. Face it head on. Do it regularly, do it always. Do it now! Namaste.

My proudest moment in yoga happened in my 200 hour teacher training course.  The teacher went around asking each student if they planned on becoming teachers after the course was finished.  Many students said “yes” and a lot of others said “no, not for me, I am just here to deepen my practice.” We were half way through the course and that day the teacher said, we were ready to teach each other.  We split up into pairs and were each given a pose to instruct to the other student.  The pose I was assigned was Virabhadrasana II (Warrior pose).  I read through the manual, memorized all the points. I needed to make, starting instructing my student. We began from the feet, to the legs, hips, torso, arms, shoulders, neck breath- and voila! It was like the clouds had parted over my head and a beam of sunlight came shining down on my student who, with my instruction, achieved her pose!  I could not have been more delighted.  That truly was my most proud moment as a yogi because in that moment I became a yoga teacher.  That was the first time I took the yoga knowledge out of my mind and body and placed it into someone else’s body.  The feeling was ecstasy.  I know for many yogis, their proudest moment is when they’ve achieved a pose they’ve been working on for months and I too feel good about myself when I achieve a pose, but nothing, absolutely nothing makes me more proud than to help YOU achieve yours.

At the beginning of nearly all yoga classes, the instructor calls out for a group “Om.” When I started as a student I was a little shy to use my voice.  Personally I was not very comfortable with group chanting.  Little did I know, it was another very powerful way to activate and stimulate a higher vibration.

It is written in Vedic texts that there are 4 stages of consciousness:

• Jagrat (waking)
• Swapna (dreaming)
• Sushupti (deep sleep)
• Turiya (bliss)

These stages of consciousness are visual but also are in sound. This is all represented in the symbol of “OM”

“When we chant Om, we are really singing a three part sound: AUM, Ah…oooh…Mmm. Each part vibrates in a different part of the body and represents a different state of consciousness. The Ah blooms in the lower abdomen and represents Jagrat, the waking state. Oooh vibrates in the solar plexus and heart and represents swapna, the dream state. Mmm occurs when we put our lips together, sending the vibrations into our skulls.  With this sound we are calling to our awareness of sushupti, deep sleep. And finally, Turiya exists in the continuing vibration, resonating, unstuck sound of Om.” -Jivamukti Yoga

The most powerful experience I’ve had with chanting “Om” was at the end of my practice.  I had an “ok” practice, nothing spectacular, no wonderful visions or ephiphanies , but when the teacher called for a collective OM at the end of class, I closed my eyes and I could literally feel stardust swirling all around my body.  That was my first encounter with the power of chanting, so please in your next class don’t be shy! Activate these vibrations of the soul.

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