I lost my map!

Park City, Utah

Jan 7, 2019 was the day I officially started yoga again after a long winter break/holiday. I know that actually is a bit late to the whole “New Years Resolution” program. But I had zero resolutions I was clear on making…mostly because I was distracted trying to survive skiing for the first time (which is utterly terrifying). So through the hysteria of falling down a mountain every 5 feet trying not to die by veering out of control over the cliff, a resolution was not made- just a resolve to survive the next turn. Perhaps a metaphor eh?
Coming home to LA, albeit relieved, I was in a lull I had not experienced for sometime. My yoga clients are still traveling and my schedule has been hard to fill. I also have this new book out and suddenly I am not sure what I anticipated by having a book published? Wild success? No…perhaps eventually (sigh). I know better than that…but still, no real map on the next step of what that entails. Let me be more specific, no real budget.
No  budget, no clients, no income, no hope. I’ve sat in my apartment since last week wondering if I had some how become agoraphobic and a recluse? Suddenly noise seemed noisier and crowds more crowded. Does anyone else hear that high pitch ringing? I just wanted to stay home with myself. Avoiding yoga avoiding everyone.
I went on one job interview (that did not go well) and that some how sent me back to a level of hurt form being rejected that I had endured in the 11 years of LA.  I’m just kind of tired of beginning again. This time I’m trying to be a nanny! So many years of composing music, then teaching yoga, now writing a children’s book… I don’t know how to answer the question anymore when someone asks “What do you do?”  uh…
The deep dive into depression I go! But at least I am used to this swim. I stroke familiarly agains the tides and hold my breath for even longer. Silently praying (screaming) in my head “NO! NO! NO!”   I cannot be here! I cannot! I have fought too hard, developed too many skills! Yet to be this uncertain and this terrified for my future? Crippling anxiety takes hold, the worst thought ever arises- was this all a mistake?


None the less, I know when I am in this mindset, there’s one thing I’m avoiding most. Going to yoga. So today out of the depths of my despair and self pity I rose (late of course).  Just so I could yell at myself all day for being late…and made it to yoga. 
The class was fantastic. Just what I needed. My 5 pound…ok, 10 pound heavier Christmas body was strong, flexible and the fluidity was returning and…ah…sigh… my mind was calming. 

I had the realization that my mind was a crumpled ball of paper. How could I write any intention on it? At the end of practice though, it returned to a smooth white paper, ready for me to act upon it. A clear list of intentions of actions were ready to be written. I knew I had lost my map, but at least I found my way back to my mat. That’s all I can do for now. Uncrumple Kailand.

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